Honor Who?

Passage: Deuteronomy 21:18-21

Of all the Commandments, the fifth is the one people seem to take the most immediate exception to. It seems ironic, given that the fifth commandment deals with subject matter that is, for the most part, fairly mundane. “Honor your father and mother so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Honor your father and mother. Wait a minute, we’re tempted to say. What if your father or mother abused you? What if they rejected you? What if they were just plain unreasonable and out of touch and not that nice to you? I’ve heard sermons that presented all kinds of qualifiers and provisos. Exceptions to the rule. It’s easy to find excuses not to follow the fifth commandment. But, says God, we do so at great cost to ourselves.

In order to follow this commandment, we need to understand it. The first thing to note is its placement. It stands as the bridge between the two sections of the Law – the first, which expands on the command to love God above all else; and the second, which is summarized in the command to love others as you love yourself. Love God; love other people. Right in between is the command to honor your parents. This isn’t a coincidence.

When it comes to loving other people, parents are the ones we have no control over. We don’t choose the parents who give us birth. Accepting the parents we’ve been given is an essential aspect of accepting God’s sovereign choice in our lives. To say, “I refuse to accept my parents’ authority” is to say to God, “I refuse to accept what you’ve chosen for me.” When we refuse to love and honor our parents, we are essentially telling God that we’re only willing to love and honor the people we have chosen; the ones we like. God doesn’t give us this option. Loving and honoring parents is practice for loving and honoring all the people God will bring into our lives by his sovereign choice.

On a more practical basis, God gives us parents to train us in the practice of submission. Whether we appreciate it or not, our parents are people who have gone before us. They provide rules and boundaries based on experience and the wisdom of years. In many respects they know better. And we’re commanded by God to take their word for it. As we become adults we no longer answer directly to our parents. We have our own wisdom and experience on which to draw. But we are still commanded to defer to one whose wisdom and authority far exceeds ours. There never comes a point at which we move out from under God’s authority. And if, early in our lives, we’ve adopted the habit of bucking the authority of our parents, there’s no way we’ll be capable of submitting to the authority of God, or the other human authorities God places over us. This, says God, has deadly consequences. It is for this reason that, as he’s giving the Law to the Israelites, God implements such harsh consequences for children who disrespect their parents. He says, “Kids who disrespect their moms and dads grow up to be kids who disrespect me!”

Hard questions ensue, however. “What about parents who abuse their kids? Who abuse their God-give authority or neglect the children God’s entrusted to them? Aren’t some people excused from the fifth commandment?” The short answer is “no”, and here’s why: Honoring one’s parents doesn’t always mean obeying them. If a parent debases him or herself by perpetrating abuse, sometimes the most honoring thing is to stop the abuse. To get away from the abuser; to set in motion a sequence of events that will, once and for all interrupt the behavior; and to hold the abuser to account. In fact, the most loving thing you can do for a person is aid them in the process of becoming more Christlike. This includes confronting un-Christlike behavior.

Another way of honoring one’s parents is becoming the best bearer of their image that you can be. Even absent or abusive parents have left their kids a genetic heritage. The stuff in each of us that’s good, admirable, and worthy of celebration is stuff we got from our moms and dads. Growing up embittered toward one’s parents, or resentful of what they did or didn’t do turns into blame which, in turn, becomes self-disabling thought and action. It’s all too easy to blame your parents for your problems. Doing so, however, guarantees that you won’t change things you need to change to become a healthier, better person. At the very least, honor your parents by taking responsibility for your own life, and letting the best qualities they gave you shine through. This, in turn, becomes the best way to honor the God that gave the command in the first place. And, true to God’s Word, if you honor your parents – regardless of what kind of parents you had – things will go well for you. It’s God’s promise.